For some people, monogamy just isn't an option. As a major new drama about polygamy kicks off, Danielle Demetriou talks to the most modern of couples Published: 11 June 2006 http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/article755952.ece It is a scene of pure suburban heaven. The sun is lowering in a blue sky, children are playing in neatly manicured gardens and mums are baking in the kitchen. Bill returns from work, loosens his tie and gives his wife a tender kiss. Then he steps across the room and kisses another woman, and then a third. Behind the net curtains, Bill is living happily with three wives, a motley crew of offspring and an emergency supply of Viagra. Polygamy is poised to rear its controversial head this week with the arrival in the UK of the US television comedy drama Big Love. Produced by Tom Hanks and starring Bill Baxton, Chloë Sevigny and Ginnifer Goodwin, the series may highlight the extreme - and illegal - end of the open relationship spectrum, but it opens up the age-old debate: is monogamy realistic? Every childhood is peppered with memories about those parties rumoured to happen at number 34. More recently, the Primrose Hill set kept us amused for weeks as an array of unconventional antics, including wife- swapping (Sadie Frost and then husband Jude Law with Pearl Lowe and the musician Danny Goffey) and girl-on-girl swinging, were revealed in the press. Alternatives to monogamy are becoming more acceptable and adherents increasingly open. One choice is polyamory, where people have long-term relationships but with more than one person. Dr Meg Barker, 31, a psychologist at the South Bank University in London, is a polyamorist and lives alternatively with two partners - one male and one female - and has two further "secondary" lovers. "Polyamory is a relationship orientation that assumes that it is possible - and acceptable - to love many people and to maintain multiple intimate and sexual relationships," she explains. "Common polyamorous set-ups include people having one or two primary partners and other secondary ones and triads and quads - where three or four people are involved with each other and living together in poly-families, or tribes." There are lots of other alternatives based on one primary relationship. Open marriages, where couples agree to allow each other to have affairs, is the solution for some. Swinging - wife-swapping - is another. According to Ashley Lister, who observed the swinging scene and interviewed many of its participants for his book, Swingers, it is growing in popularity. "If a relationship has solid foundations and the couple are good communicators, then swinging will bring them even closer together." One of his couples - Brenda and her husband Andrew - have been swinging for two years and live with her lover Charlie. "If Brenda and I were having an affair behind Andrew's back, people would think we were normal," says Charlie. "Because I live with them and we all know what we do together it's looked on as wrong." That honesty and openness is less damaging than duplicity is endorsed by psychotherapist Dr Francis Deacon, adviser on www.cupidbay.com. "These set-ups might seem unrealistic from the outside, but accepting these 'deviances' rather than suppressing them is less harmful than the deception and lies that go hand-in-hand with illicit sex," he says. "So long as a mutual understanding is established, and so long as any emotional discrepancies are immediately aired, there should be no reason why an open relationship shouldn't be any less fulfilling than a monogamous one." But life is not always straightforward. As well as time management, there is always the knotty problem of human emotions. What about jealousy? "The truth is, it is still rare for people to live together in harmony in multiple open relationships," says Dr Lisa Matthewman, a psychologist specialising in relationships and sexual issues at the University of Westminster. "Such a set-up tends to suit non-conformist types who are very confident in themselves and able to intellectualise their emotions so jealousy does not get in the way." And for those soon to watch Bill and his trio of wives and their escapades, this will surely come as a relief. 'Big Love' starts tomorrow at 9pm on Five The Swingers: 'We don't have affairs - just one night things' Christina Cooper (34) lives with her partner, Simon Baker (42), and their four children in north London. They've been together for 15 years. We've had an open relationship from the word go, partly because I'm bisexual and it wouldn't be fair for me to sleep with another woman and for my partner not to have the same privilege. We quickly reached an agreement that it was perfectly fine for both of us to sleep with other people. But there are terms and conditions. We don't have affairs - they're one night things, just sexual. We have to meet the person the other one wants to sleep with and have last say. It's a safety precaution. If there's anything eerie or suspicious, we always rely on one another's ideas as to whether it goes ahead or not. There's no fear of falling in love outside and I've never ever felt threatened. The only relationship is the relationship we've got. We argue, of course - it wouldn't be healthy otherwise - but not about our sex life. When we're out at a club, Simon will go to one side and do his own thing. I'll go to the other side and do my own thing and then we'll meet up together at the end. If one pulls and the other doesn't, well... tough titties! I'd say I'm best at it. Simon might see a girl and go, "Cor, she looks attractive. I wouldn't even attempt it!" and then I might end up with her and we'll either have a threesome or I might go off on my own with her. We do group sex, four in a bed, that sort of thing. It really has worked for us. It's never caused any problems, any jealousy. Some girls, just because their partner looks at another girl in the pub, oh! There's absolute wars over it and I'm just so glad I'm not in a relationship like that - it would kill me. There's no jealousy because we've been together for 15 years and the sex is fantastic. We're very open-minded sexually. We'll try anything once and if it doesn't work we won't do it again. But if it does work then it just adds to the joy of it. Our friends are like-minded so there's no problem there. Maybe as we get older we'll tone down a little bit. We'll just see how it goes. Interview by Alice Douglas The Open Marriage: 'Honestly, I can say that we never felt jealous' Diana Melly, 68, and her husband George Melly, 79, the jazz musician, have enjoyed an open relationship for most of their 45-year marriage. George and I have been very lucky with our marriage, but other people can find this difficult to understand. We had a whirlwind relationship, a case of lust at first sight when we met at a club in Soho in 1961. But 10 years after we were married, George began to get bored of being faithful. And so he pushed a very pretty young man under my nose and we ended up in bed. It marked the start of an open marriage. George did it because he thought it would open up our marriage. But one thing he didn't count on was the fact that because I was sleeping with another man, I wouldn't want to sleep with George. I honestly felt very relieved when George got his first girlfriend because it meant I wouldn't have to feel guilty about having someone else and him being at home. I had a bit of a delayed adolescence with the first boyfriend until we all went out to a jazz club and George told him that he was in love with him too. That made him run for the hills. Over the past 30 years, I have had three important affairs - and as for George, you probably couldn't count them all on your fingers and toes. He was very promiscuous. I remember in 1973 when I was in Morocco with a very young boyfriend, Little Billy. My husband happened to be staying in the glamorous La Mamounia hotel in Marrakech with his girlfriend. We had been staying on a dirty campsite as we were driving across Morocco, so we went and had a shower in George's bathroom and the four of us had dinner. It was very pleasant. I can honestly say that we never felt jealous of one another's partners and have always been completely open about who we are with. If anything, our partners have found it harder to deal with. The advantage of having an open marriage is not having to support two households and a broken family. We remained together as a family. The main disadvantage is that things are never quite equal. There will always be moments when one person is involved with another person and the other is not. It may have suited me and George, but everybody is different. 'Take a Girl Like Me', Diana Melly's autobiography, is published by Chatto and Windus, £14.99 The Polyamorist: 'Why should one person fill a giant black hole?' Amelia Baxter, 37, lives in the Midlands with her three children. She defines herself as polyamorous: she has three regular long-term male partners as well as several male and female lovers. I was in my mid-twenties when I started exploring the idea of having more than one partner. I just knew there had to be more to relationships. I was at home with three young children and a partner in a monogamous set-up and I felt incredibly isolated. Eventually I met someone who called himself "polyamorous", which I hadn't come across before. It put a name to what I was feeling and made me realise there was another way of living which enabled you to have loving relationships with more than one person. My partner wouldn't accept it and we split up. Discovering life as a "poly" was quite a revelation for me. It suits me perfectly - I have always had a very strong sense of a lack of boundaries. Today, I live alone with my three children because I want to give them some stability and not have too many people drifting in and out of their lives. I have three long-term regular partners who I might see once or twice a week or once a month, plus a number of other partners, including a woman I spent the weekend with last week for the first time. On average, I probably sleep with about 10 of the same partners throughout the year. They all know about one another. Jealousy should not be an issue. If I love someone who loves someone else, you shouldn't feel jealous because if you truly care for someone you want the best for them. Love should involve no boundaries. Why should there be just one person who you hope will fill a giant black hole? From time to time, I do feel jealous despite myself. But when that happens, it is more of a wake-up call to remind myself that these feelings come from a part of me that I'm not comfortable with and I have to deal with it. In terms of the children, it is not something I would go on to them about but I am always honest with them. People who identify as poly put a very high level of regard on honesty. My problem with monogamous relationships is that even if you truly madly love someone, you will always have feelings for other people. And so where do you draw the line? At flirting? Fantasising about them? I live in a bit of a poly ghetto and you do find that many of your lovers are connected. These kinds of relationships can become tangled emotionally, but no more than monogamous relationships. I wouldn't change a thing. Amelia's name has been changed |
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